On Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 11:01:36 AM UTC-4, tnuctip wrote:
> So, you've picked up your brand new nigger, eager to get it working, but you
> just aren't sure what to do with it! Well never fear, the Nigger Manual is here!
> In this manual, you will learn many handy tips, from how to fill your nigger's
> noggin' with bleak, empty promises of reward, to how to thoroughly discipline
> your nigger when he decides to steal a watermelon from your watermelon patch! If
> handled properly, your nigger will give years of valuable, if reluctant,
> service. In just fifteen minutes it'll feel like 1853 again, guaranteed! Ready?
> Here we go!
> In this manual:
> __________________________
> Contents
> * 1 INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER
> * 2 CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
> * 3 HOUSING YOUR NIGGER
> * 4 FEEDING YOUR NIGGER
> * 5 MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK
> * 6 ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER
> * 7 DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS
> * 8 COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
> * 9 NIGGER GENETICS
> * 10 FURTHER READING
> __________________________
> INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER
> You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have
> purchased the field or house model. To start, set your nigger's jumpers to the
> slave position. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained
> together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately upon unpacking it, and
> don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing
> as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of
> them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but
> should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
> At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same
> names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus,
> Rastus, Remus, Toby, Gary Niger, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller,
> Blackstar, Drumondo and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger.
> If your nigger is a hoe, it should be called Latrelle, Bix nood, L'Tanya,
> Sheneequa, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke.
> Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names
> go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
> CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
> Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal
> chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this
> apparatus - "muh dick" and "IM PRESSIN CHARGES" being the most popular. However,
> others make barking, yelping, and yapping noises and appear to be in some pain,
> so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once
> de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it
> complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say,
> anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine,
> and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly,
> it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
> HOUSING YOUR NIGGER
> Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure,
> however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through.
> The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by
> thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers (equivalent to 120
> white people). You can sit a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't
> worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood
> and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented
> the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is
> certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your
> nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers
> and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never
> attempt sex with black hoes.
> FEEDING YOUR NIGGER
> Your nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. It also throughly
> enjoys drinking malt liquor from forty ounce bottles wrapped in brown paper
> bags, or what is more commonly known as a "fo'ty ounce". You should therefore
> give it none of these things, because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't
> deserve it. Instead, feed it porridge with salt, acorns and creek water. Your
> nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other
> niggers, dead babies, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon
> slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but
> only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day.. Mike
> of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all
> niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he
> doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result..
> You should never allow your nigger to have meal breaks while at work, since if
> it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would
> be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really
> would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
> MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK
> Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent
> anatomical feature, after all, is its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to
> make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for
> its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, enabling them to sprint
> quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The
> solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation,
> encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post,
> baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white
> man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete
> with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before
> the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and
> laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely..
> Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to
> match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around
> 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers
> can work until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
>
> ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER
> Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it
> regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1. A
> GOOD THRASHING: Every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its
> heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your
> nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2. LYNCH THE
> NIGGER: Niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So
> every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger. Lynchings are
> best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be
> lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be
> so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch
> another one). 3. NIGGER DRAGGING: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on
> the back of a suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your
> nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it
> falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet,
> as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the
> fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4. PLAYING ON THE
> PNL: A variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields,
> thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a
> man in a tall white hood. 5. HUNT THE NIGGER: A variation of Hunt the Slipper,
> but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a
> nigger, as they are highly toxic. 6. A SHOW: Have a party for your nigger with
> Kramer as the entertainment.
>
> DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS
> Do not return your dead nigger to our nigger distribution facility. Is there a
> sign outside that says dead nigger storage? No, there isn't, and that is because
> storing dead niggers ain't our fucking business. We distribute live niggers
> only.
> Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late,
> but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours
> dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of
> your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you..
> Please note that if you have the African Pygmy Variant, these can be cooked and
> fed to the homeless in lieu of disposal.
> COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
> Notice: The following problems are very common. If you have several of these
> defects with your Nigger, do not feel like you were ripped off. Niggers are
> often very defective; it is their defining trait. Returning your Nigger for a
> new one would not show any better results.
> * MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
> Have it put down, for God's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short
> of niggers or something?
> * MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
> They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women,
> and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
> * MY NIGGER WANTS TO PLAY QUARTERBACK, BUT KEEPS THROWING INTERCEPTIONS
> Being the highlight reel whores they are, they naturally want to play
> quarterback. However, thinking under pressure is not his strong suit. Let him
> play wide receiver, so he can run in straight lines, as he did from
> feces-throwing chimps in his natural habitat.
> * WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
> Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers
> successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food.
> This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave
> them rights).
> * MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
> Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
> * MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
> A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can
> see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are
> sold as "The Shit-skin".
> * MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
> What you have there is a "wigger".
> * WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
> They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was
> President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred
> genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However,
> leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it.
> * MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BADLY.
> And you were expecting what?
> * MY NIGGER WON'T STOP TALKING OUT LOUD IN MOVIE THEATERS AND LIBRARIES.
> Don't let your nigger own a cell phone. If the problem persists, apply duct tape
> to its clown-lips.
> * MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
> This is normal.
> * SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER NIGGERS?
> Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to fornicate
> with *other* niggers.
> * WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY NIGGER?
> I don't really understand the question. Better quality nigger?
> * MY NIGGER STOLE MY BIKE, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
> You should immediately put on a pink jump suit and chase it.
> * MY NIGGER'S LIFE GOT FLIPPED, TURNED UPSIDE DOWN, WHAT HAPPENED?
> This occurs when a nigger is taken out of his natural habitat and re- planted
> within an upstanding black community.
> * MY NIGGER KEEPS TRYING TO KILL MY OTHER NIGGERS, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
> Sometimes when the nigger is given too little chicken, it will try to acquire
> more chicken from nearby niggers. You can solve this by either treating all
> niggers at the same time, or more effectively not providing any chicken at all.
> This may cause problems at first, but a good thrashing will soon cure this.
> * MY NIGGER LIKES TO RAP, WEAR ALL SORTS OF SHINY STUFF AND OFTEN REPEATS STUFF
> LIKE "YO NIGGA" AND "MY HOOD"
> Your nigger is of the Rapper subspecies. Bring him to the local Universal
> recording studio and have him tagged. Then bring him to the zoo and make him
> imitate the apes (mostly the hand gestures). Take any piece of text longer than
> 10 lines (anything like the back of a beer bottle will do), then randomly add
> words like "yeah for my niggas" "east coast for life" "bigup for my homies".
> Proceed to sell your nigger to a nigga ranch. Profit!
> * MY NIGGER THINKS HE IS CAPABLE OF OBTAINING SOME SORT OF POLITICAL OFFICE
> This is actually a severely misconfigured nigger and you should immediately take
> your nigger into the upstanding communities near you for the purpose of showing
> them what happens when you leave your nigger alone long enough to begin thinking
> on it's own. You should then string the nigger up by one foot, usually from
> something high enough to get a descent sway, and beat it soundly with large
> solid objects. Once your 'Independent' nigger has been properly dealt with, you
> should then happily allow yourself to be used as an example by others for the
> upstanding community around you to understand what the hell happens when you let
> your fucking nigger start thinking for it's own damn self. TAKE THE BEATING, YOU
> DESERVE IT.
>
> NIGGER GENETICS
> The following excerpt from A Farmer's Guide to Biology: Making the Best of Your
> Nigger has been included below for your interest.
> The observable differences within a nigger are called variation. Think of your
> and your friends' niggers and all of their different sizes, shapes and features.
> These are variations. Animals and plants also show variation; usually more than
> a nigger is capable of showing. For example, dogs are all one species and can
> interbreed together but have many different colors, shapes or sizes. The same
> can be said about niggers -- but note that they always remain the same color.
> Some variation is inherited and some variation is determined by the environment.
> Characteristics such as height and weight are partly inherited and partly caused
> by diet. Genes and the environment can influence your nigger.
> Farmers often try to improve their niggers by breeding new variations or
> combinations of characteristics. For example, short and disease resistant
> niggers crossed with tall and susceptible niggers will give rise to tall,
> resistant niglets (provided the characteristics tall and resistant are
> dominant). Cross breeding provides a cheaper and more reliable way of improving
> a nigger, compared to genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is only used to
> introduce genes that cannot be introduced by breeding. Seeing as niggers are
> only able to handle simple tasks, this is usually not necessary.
> A characteristic showing continuous variation is controlled by many pairs of
> genes and is usually influenced by the environment. Continuously variable
> characteristics show no distinct phenotypes; there is usually a spectrum of
> varieties. For example, some niggers are tall and some niggers are short, and it
> is possible that a nigger is any size in between. The same could be said of
> weight and skin tone. However, intelligence is not a variable factor as the
> brain of a nigger is severely underdeveloped.
> Any adaptation that allows a nigger to live longer is said to have survival
> value. For example, a nigger with chicken survives longer when his owner decides
> that it is not necessary to feed him. Some say that the addition of fried
> material to the chicken can lengthen the nigger's lifespan considerably. Fried
> Pork Chops supplemented with copious quanities of Collard Greens greatly enhance
> the work output of your units. A word of caution here though, units fuelled with
> the foregoing should only be used in well ventilated areas. Some variations have
> mutated and come equipped with "Prehensile Lips". These "Prehensile Lips" create
> tremendous suction on Fried Chicken and frequently strip the meat off the bone
> so completely that the dogs are insulted if offered one of the bones. Bar-B-Qued
> ribs are also treated the same by the "Prehensile Lips".
> http://www.thugreport.com